Diary of a Rapist

The chariot of vengeance needs no wheels to roll on, and the greed to devour the weak multiplies unknowingly like a pest. 
Darkness of the room that I sit in, is less intense than the darkness of my own heart. I look around and see nothing but reflections of my brutality. The chair that I had broken once to test my masculine power, proved me to be strong but applying my power on a woman has made me weak internally. I feel weak to stand in front of the cracked mirror and meet my red eyes swollen with criminality. Where is my solace? Perhaps that word is just a myth for rapists like me. Why can I not sleep? Only a devil is as restless as I am. 

Like father, like son, the proverb said. I took the words too literally. Whenever my father abused my mother with words and power, the male ego within me felt triumphed, and feeding the devil in me. Every time my mother succumbed in silence, the devil in me laughed to see her being tamed like an animal. But I now realise that the battle of supremacy is fought only between animals, and thus, the greed to prove ourselves strong had made me and my father animals too.

The dawn might strike any hour from now, but my eyes are wide open burning with guilt. Every music haunts like that woman’s screams, the clamour wishes to undo my crimes.

When did I turn into an animal? I do not know. No, animals do not attack by keeping gender in mind; I’ve proved to be lesser than them. My mother often told me that we must use our power to think to divide pains and multiply sympathy and prove that we have evolved for better and not for worse. I was an animal then, but I am a guilt ridden human now. Some mistakes are so erroneous that they can only push you in a wide chasm, leaving no room for repentance.

I wish I had preferred a calm doze on floor over lying on bed with this mental unrest.

I had the guts to end her life then, but today I neither have the courage to kill myself nor surrender to the law. She sleeps in peace in the grave that once belonged to somebody else, but I do not deserve nor can I rest in my own house. It is not only the victim who dies while living, hear the victimizer who is a living dead too.

I know that I will be put behind the bars soon, but before that I surrender myself to you all, to warn thousands of men who are ruled by their greed. Do not wait to suffer like me; one minute of animalistic passion costs an entire life. Beyond this moment of vengeance there’s only darkness to devour you.

Let me be the prophet of the devils and warn you of the shame you are tainting your conscious with. Let me bring words of revelation and say that it is better to live in the light of brief happiness than loosing oneself in the never-ending tunnels of hollow darkness.

Anonymous